Merit-bound Alley

My wife picked me up a copy of Snakes on a Plane, the movie responsible for the most fun I’ve had at the theater this year. Er, last year. If you have not seen it, I highly recommend it. Well, it happens that my daughter saw the movie case, and now wants to see it. Parts of this movie (the ones involving the snakes) made my wife shriek like an altar boy fleeing an amorous priest, so it’s defnitely a little too scary for the young’uns.

Maybe I’ll wait until she’s done something bad and I’ll make her watch it as punishment.

2006 was a special year in many ways. We had the Midterm Elections, scandals, and the beginning of the 2008 elections. Of course, I’ve really only been following this shit since the beginning of October, so for the purposes of this list, we’ll be ignoring January through September. No one likes those months, anyways. So here’s my list full of quips, snark, and downright fabrication. Enjoy!

10. Obama

Barack Obama, the Democratic Presidential hopeful from Illinois has been the media darling of the 2008 elections. Sexier than Hillary and smarter than Joe, Obamamababa has the chance to win the hearts of Americans everywhere before losing the Primaries. The first time I heard of Mr Obama was an article that I skimmed in the Onion, which made me think that he was not a real person. This goes to show that an explosion of media attention may not always be the best thing for a young career in politics.

9. Wifebeaters

No, not the garment worn by your next-door neighbor as he works on his Camaro on the front lawn. I’m talking about State Rep. Atkins who recently got drunk, flashed his State Rep card, was let go, and promptly “offensively touched” his wife. Mr Atkins will live in my mind as the pinnacle of what a teeny-tiny amount of power can get you. If I had known better, I would have won an office in 2006 so I could steal a Wii from Best Buy and flash my Get Out of Jail Free card. It’s so brilliantly simple!

8. Christine O’Donnell

Mad as a hatter but so so hot, this siren of serendipity hopscotched into the primaries and again into the elections as an independent when she cast her pebble to the chalk grid. No stranger to last-minute decisions is Christine, and the two things that could be mistaken for stable are her stances against abortion and for… not getting abortions. Looks like God didn’t want her in office, after all.

7. Jan Ting

Ever smiling, Jan is the proud bearer of a name straight out of Hanna-Barbera as an evil doctor or female robot that turns into a car. In addition to his 80s-fabulous moniker, Jan wanted those illegal immigrants out of the country, whether it be by deportation or a giant fence guarded by electricity and lasers that go pew-pew. Looks like the only immigrant hunting Jan will be doing is here.

6. Greg Chambers

A man who entered the Delaware politics scene from obscurity and quickly returned, Greg Chambers somehow (cough) won the Primaries and did absolutely nothing with it. Hell, he didn’t even get hilariously drunk like Harris McDowell. However, I will always remember when, in an epiphany of rare wisdom, Greg said, “… … … … … … .. …. … … … … … … …”    Where’s Pac-man when you need him?

5. Beau Biden

What can you say, now that the Biden family is 2/3 of the way to a dynasty? When you have people voting for you because of your name, because of your party affiliation, or because stupid people simply thought you were your father, you’re not off to the best DE inaugural career move. Throw into the mix childish behavior during debates (”Why didn’t you? Why didn’t you? Why didn’t you? Why didn’t you? Why didn’t you? Why didn’t you?”), and you have comedy gold! Yes, Baby Joe has a long way to go to prove that he is a public servant, and I don’t have high hopes that he will.

4. Senator Vaughn

From touting his desk drawer to winning an election in absentia, it looks like Senator Vaughn will be in DE politics for the rest of his life. However, considering his recent health issues and the fact the he is fucking old I see an empty seat, and a drawer without an owner if these shadows remain unchanged.

3. Ruth-ann

The strange absence of our unsightly governess continued throughout the elections to the end of the year. Perhaps she was on an extended stay in Trinidad and Tobago, where she was teaching the islanders how to educate children and avert their eyes. Rumor has it that she is only allowed outside at night under the cover of the blessed, blessed darkness.

2. Incumbents

Three cheers to the real victors in Delaware, the incumbents who have retained their seats and can continue to march Delaware towards mediocrity! Killing legislation, closed government, street funds, and double-dipping will keep the Delaware bloggers busy for at least two more years.

1. The Delaware voter
A special tip of the hat and first place goes to the Delaware voters who have decisively killed all hope of positive change with the brilliant tactic of being able to remember the names of the people they voted for during the last midterms. The Delaware voter has once again proven that we don’t need education about important issues such as open government and who the other guy running for office is. Keep your collective head in the sand, Delaware, and everything will be allright!

This concludes 2006. Thanks for reading and welcome to 2007!

It amuses me now and again to look through the search terms that lead Internet wanderers to M-BA. By far, the best was from yesterday:

\”but plugged\” by wife

Thank you.

Carl Danberg will be our new Commissioner of the DE Department of Corrections. I didn’t see this coming, either. I think Mr. Danberg will do a decent job of cleaning up the myriad of issues with out prisons, but I’m not expecting to see any huge areas of innovation. Congrats, Mr. Danburg, glad to hear you won’t be unemployed.

We’ve all had something to be thankful for this year. If you haven’t then it’s been a pretty shitty year for you, and I’ll buy you some coffee. For me, life has shown an unprecedented turn when I realized that the world at large has a significant effect on my personal happiness. You may have seen some of my previous articles on James Vaughn and open government, Joe Wise and not criminal (apparently) misuse of taxpayer funds, or Nick Manolakos and his family’s desire for me to park their car.

In 2006, I realized that I give a shit about how the world is run, how Delaware is run, and found some decent ways in which I can help forward what I think is right for our state and for our country. I also realized that the best way for me to return that is not via a completely politically-themed blog. An important lesson that I learned is that there are people out there that are far better able to get important points of view across, and I also learned that I often have little new to add. I guess that’s one of the downfalls of most of the influential political blogs being more liberal in slant.

Now, this doesn’t mean that I won’t ever write politics. No, you fuckers aren’t that lucky. However, I will not feel obligated to cover the stories that the other sites are beating to death, such as the John Atkins thing. Yes, I’m horrified that the bastard was able to flash unimportant credentials and get out of a night in the dryer, but I also realize that I’m not in the least surprised and I probably won’t be, unless Jason, Mike, or Dana reveal that Mr. Atkins was able to evade capture through the use of a Cloak of Invisibility or a Boo Sheet.

I realized that, while I’m pissed that Mr. Atkins was able to play a Monopoly card to evade charges, I don’t really give a shit about the gory details of his drunkenness and him grabbing his wife’s arm. I don’t care because, if I wasted my energy on caring about those details and the myriad of others that have brought this further into the abyss, I’d be no better off in my position in life. Scandals don’t interest me in the slightest, except as how they directly influence my life or those that I love. Frankly, I just can’t be bothered.

So, this breeds the question of what do I write about? Well, the same crap I normally write about, but where I’ve normally limited myself to political writing or silence, I’ll replace the silence with what I know: living in Delaware and in the USA. Am I going to swear off politics? Hell, no. There’s hardly anything that affects our lives more than the law and those that create, interpret, and enforce it. Plus, I love that crap.

So, in summary of this irritatingly rambling post, please have a happy new year and check back for a top 10 of 2006.